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MY MUSINGS

The Conversation That Changed Everything

October 25, 2018 2,985 Comments
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Jeff and I have this moment where everything changed. We hold it sacred.

It was not intentional at the time, but it has so profoundly shaped our marriage, it now is. It is a conversation that keeps going, keeps growing and keeps shaping our lives.  I want to share it with you in hopes that you will have the same conversation and allow it to impact your whole life.

As engaged love birds Jeff and I dreamt of our future together and anticipated what the days that stretched before us would bring.  We were just naive enough to believe that we could do family life better than our parents. We shared stories about the things we hated and the things we loved about our childhoods. It became clear that what we each viewed as ‘normal’ was very different, which lead to a list of things we wanted to be ‘normal’ in our house.

Here is our Pre-Martial Bliss List…

  • Family dinners around the table every night
  • A home that was welcoming to our children’s friends; a place they wanted to come
  • To be a single income family when our children were young
  • For Jeff to be an active participant in raising the children
  • To encourage and foster close grandparent/children relationships

This list has become our “Measuring Stick”; that which we hold up decisions against to see if they measure up.

The Measuring Stick works because it gives you a clear idea about what you and your partner value in life together, when there is nothing at stake, when emotions are not high. In essence it helps you align your hearts with a purpose and vision.  It becomes a touch stone for life’s simple decisions and the hard ones alike.

The day to day decisions…

When three kids come running up to me after school requesting a playdate, my yes is automatic.  I packed up little children, threw off nap schedules, ventured out on the snowy roads to grandparents houses, every week during the children’s pre-school years. I have blessedly set more tables than I can count.

The tough ones too…

We contemplated moving our family for a job opportunity three hours away for Jeff, which came with a larger salary. It felt like everyone around us was living a better life; more holidays, cuter clothes,  nicer homes, better behaved children, and on and on in their picture perfect lives. More money would fix the feelings of inadequacy that were plaguing us right?

I began dreaming of all the things the additional income would afford.  I have a deep love for Louis Vuitton, Sephora and pedicures. A new job, a new house, and more stuff –  sign me up!

Enter the Measuring Stick.

This job would mean more travel for Jeff, so nightly family dinners were in jeopardy.  The travel would certainly impact the time he spent with our children.  Fostering close relationships with the grandmas being three hours in the wrong direction was going to be more difficult. All of a sudden the answer was clear; even though it was not the answer we were hoping for.

The truth was, when we made our Measuring Stick none of our items had been about how many things we could purchase or places we could see. It could have been, but it wasn’t.

We mourned the excitement we felt, and moved on, this time with a clearer focus on what was foundational for us and what was not.

Years later I can tell you we have not regretted the decision to stay put and be more satisfied with the relationships that we have built instead.

We have seen Mickey Mouse less but we have seen our children’s friends more. There has been lots of grandparent time, nightly dinners are a main stay, and Jeff has poured endlessly into the lives of our children daily.  The evidence speaks for itself, he has two sons and a daughter who adore him, trust him, and rely on him.

And it all began with a list. And the list began another pivotal conversation.

The Other Conversation That Changed Everything.

Coming soon…

xoxo

Layna

 

 

 

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Reading time: 3 min
Written by: Layna
MY MUSINGS

In My Feelings

August 3, 2018 4,939 Comments
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I live for the moments when God brings me someone who forever alters my life in a good way.  I am so blessed to have had countless encounters like this. One of them may have been with you.  I get more of these ‘God moments’ as I’ve taken to calling them, than I deserve. Yet they keep coming and I am continually grateful.  I love to live through other people’s experiences.  I love to share my own.  I truly believe we are all intrinsically connected by the thread of life.  I want the experiences of my life to make your life more beautiful.  And I want yours to shape who I am.

I wish I was only shaped by those people and experiences that bring me joy and change my life in wonderful ways.  The longer I live the more I realize that seldom are things as straight forward as I would like.  I think life is like a ball of yarn.  We each have our own unique preferences, life experiences, hurts, joys, purpose and plans; in essence, our own colour.  But life was never meant to be composed of just our colour.  We come into contact with other people’s yarn as we move through life. Our ball of yarn inevitably gets tangled with those we love, those we have hurt, those that have hurt us, and even some that are completely on the periphery who we are ambivalent to.  All of these, even the ones we don’t readily acknowledge, shape our life. One interaction has the ability to change our life forever; good or bad, while others have less noticeable effects.

This last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. I have been searching for meaning and attempting to understand a yarn of destruction that entered my life long ago. This yarn changed the trajectory of my life and has also affected those I love most in painful ways.  It was unfair.  It was uncalled for.  It was not my doing. And yet, I was forever changed.  It has been my truth.

Sometimes we are part of the mess, other times we are the victim of it. I was a victim to it, but I want to refuse to be a victim and bound by that black thread of destruction. The whole of my being wants this. This ball of yarn is mine. How do I untangle the string that has wounded me?

As I search I come across a beautiful truth.  A piece of yarn is made up of many fibers twisted together to make one strand. But the yarn can be unfurled and each individual strand becomes apparent.  My soul rejoices.

I have been carrying that black thread twisted into my strand for much of my life. But, I can untwist the threads which means I can extricate the black.  I do not have to accept carrying it around any longer. In this manner, I can take control of my own truth. I didn’t have control of the black thread being woven into mine, but I can focus on what control belongs to me. I begin to untwist…

I forgive.  Untwist.

And Again.  Untwist.

These choices are mine. 

I reestablish some boundaries.  Untwist.

They are healing and helpful for me, and allow me to move forward confidently.

I recognize that while I was not responsible for this particular destruction, I share responsibility in hurting other people and somewhere on the planet is someone extricating my black thread from their yarn.  Untwist.

I forgive myself.  Untwist

I begin finding love and worthiness in my own colour yarn. The re-twisting begins.

I was a victim.

I am not now.

It was not my choice back then. 

It is mine my choice to make now.

I am learning to live my life as a process, and accept that which is mine to accept.  I long to find beauty within the mess and the grace that is mine. As I untwist I replace the pain with the larger truth available to me.  A new truth.  One that sees me affected and changed – but all for the better.

I unequivocally believe it is available for me, and for you.

Untwist…

Xox

Layna

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Reading time: 3 min
Written by: Layna
Blog MY MUSINGS

Making Moments Count

July 22, 2018 5,129 Comments
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It was 2 am and I was sound asleep, wrapped tightly in my Care Bear comforter.  My mother was gently jostling me awake. “Come on sweetie, get up.  I’ve got a surprise for you”.

I wiped the sleep from my eyes and followed her, not sure where we were going or why.  Laid out on our multi-toned mustard yellow shag carpet was the most perfect picnic I could imagine – Happy Pop and a box of Old Dutch salt & vinegar chips. I could scarcely believe my eyes. Pop was a special treat and so were chips; to get them both at the same time felt like Christmas!

And there we sat, whispering and devouring the salacious snacks.  Just the two of us, under the cover of night, and on the floor in the living-room.  It felt like the most perfect moment of all time to my seven year old self. My thirty seven year old self appreciates it even more.

I was the eldest of 4 children, and one-on-one time was hard to come by.  My parents were building a farm, money was tight and with six of us living in a trailer, personal space and quiet time were basically non existent.  My mother was the ultimate helper to my father; making sure the home fires were burning while he was working tirelessly building his dream.  She made do with very little and yet somehow never made us feel like we were wanting for anything. She had a way of making moments count. 

She had a way of turning 4 McDonald’s cheeseburgers, 1 large fries and a pop to share into “dinner out”. She had a way of turning mundane tasks like cleaning the house, into a game where we all fought to pick the next room we cleaned out of a hat.  She took us for wagon rides to pick vegetables out of the garden for dinner, she bribed us with packs of hockey cards and rides in the front loader of the tractor to pick rocks in the fields.  

She made our simple life rich.  We had no money, but we had wealth.  When there wasn’t enough hours in the day to get to all four children, she woke up at 2 am.

As a mother of three, I find myself looking back in awe of what she created, often out of nothing.  My mother viewed parenthood as an opportunity to make memories. It was and is the fabric of her being.  

Circumstances are now different.  The little farm is now a big farm and has gone on to be quite successful. The four of us children have grown up and moved out, but her desire to make moments count has not changed.  She realizes that her available moments with us are less now as we all have families of our own.  But she is not deterred.  Just like she got creative and found time in the middle of the night so many years ago, she gets creative now.  One day she called me out of the blue to inform me that Pantone had released the color of the year and it was burgundy.  Cool mom.  Thanks.  Then she let me know I had 24 hours and $150 to go buy myself something I loved in burgundy. Cool mom THANKS!!!

Recently she whisked my eleven year old daughter off to Victoria for a weekend of baby cousin snuggles, and facials at the fanciest spa.  My mom is likely to create a moment you will not forget, at least five times a year.  Age, money and circumstances only change the how, not the what.  She is a master at making moments count, and weaving a lifetime of memories, one moment at a time. 

The memories she made with us as children have been the catalyst in my own memory making with my children.  I have built block towers, constructed forts, played pirates, learned how to make fancy cut out cookies.  I’ve fished for slugs in a pond, I’ve skated on closed outdoor rinks with no lights and horrible ice because when your son wants to spend time with you when he’s 13 you say yes to anything.  

I’ve eaten pizza in my mini van and listened to music too loud with my eldest son, I’ve taken my daughter out of school to Pizza Hut for all you can eat buffet lunch as a surprise, I’ve crawled through playroom tunnels with my littlest one.  And while I haven’t always enjoyed the making of each of these memories, the memories, not the inconvenience, is what warms my heart.  And it is how my children will remember their childhood.  

My mother gave me so much more than a midnight pop and chip party.  She gave me a sense of adventure.  She taught me to color outside the lines.  She taught me that a moment in time can fuel a lifetime. And most importantly, she gave me a legacy to continue with my own children, and the privilege to continue experiencing it with her as an adult child.

xoxo

Layna

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Reading time: 4 min
Written by: Layna
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Layna Haley is a force.  It's a single word that so aptly describes who she is because it's one word that can encompass so many things.  Layna Haley became a Mom at 16 years old.  She knows what it means to struggle, learn, teach, nurture and at the same time developing her own self identity.  She's "Mom" to 3 now, a wife, an entrepreneur with a mission to give back.  Her own journey pushed her towards creating a way to break through and help single Moms who are struggling.  She started Kaleo Collective with a mission to help single mothers create a safe, stable home life, and the opportunity to realize HER full potential which  allows her to help her CHILDREN realize theirs. Kaleo Collective comes alongside and offer community, compassion, encouragement and practical help, though their unique single mom focused programs. 

We can’t wait to have her join us, register at the link in bio! 👩🏼‍💻
Accepted. Thank you @singlemamathriving & @margaux Accepted. Thank you @singlemamathriving & @margaux_gaux_gaux 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou
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My life story was defined July 9, 1997 when this p My life story was defined July 9, 1997 when this precious baby was welcomed into my 16 year old arms; every choice after, defined by his existence. 💞 I am everything I am today because of my choice to say yes to being his mommy. Not a choice I made lightly. Not a choice that wasn’t without pain. Not a choice I have ever regret. 👱🏽‍♀️👶🏼
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I’m so exited to be able to share with your I will be speaking at the June Elevate event!

Elevate: Forgiveness with Layna Haley, founder of @kaleocollective is happening on June 9th!

Forgiveness is a powerful tool and it is something that we need to do for US!  Not for the person we are forgiving. Layna will be walking us through the power and importance of forgiveness and just how we go about doing it. 
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