In My Feelings
I live for the moments when God brings me someone who forever alters my life in a good way. I am so blessed to have had countless encounters like this. One of them may have been with you. I get more of these ‘God moments’ as I’ve taken to calling them, than I deserve. Yet they keep coming and I am continually grateful. I love to live through other people’s experiences. I love to share my own. I truly believe we are all intrinsically connected by the thread of life. I want the experiences of my life to make your life more beautiful. And I want yours to shape who I am.
I wish I was only shaped by those people and experiences that bring me joy and change my life in wonderful ways. The longer I live the more I realize that seldom are things as straight forward as I would like. I think life is like a ball of yarn. We each have our own unique preferences, life experiences, hurts, joys, purpose and plans; in essence, our own colour. But life was never meant to be composed of just our colour. We come into contact with other people’s yarn as we move through life. Our ball of yarn inevitably gets tangled with those we love, those we have hurt, those that have hurt us, and even some that are completely on the periphery who we are ambivalent to. All of these, even the ones we don’t readily acknowledge, shape our life. One interaction has the ability to change our life forever; good or bad, while others have less noticeable effects.
This last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. I have been searching for meaning and attempting to understand a yarn of destruction that entered my life long ago. This yarn changed the trajectory of my life and has also affected those I love most in painful ways. It was unfair. It was uncalled for. It was not my doing. And yet, I was forever changed. It has been my truth.
Sometimes we are part of the mess, other times we are the victim of it. I was a victim to it, but I want to refuse to be a victim and bound by that black thread of destruction. The whole of my being wants this. This ball of yarn is mine. How do I untangle the string that has wounded me?
As I search I come across a beautiful truth. A piece of yarn is made up of many fibers twisted together to make one strand. But the yarn can be unfurled and each individual strand becomes apparent. My soul rejoices.
I have been carrying that black thread twisted into my strand for much of my life. But, I can untwist the threads which means I can extricate the black. I do not have to accept carrying it around any longer. In this manner, I can take control of my own truth. I didn’t have control of the black thread being woven into mine, but I can focus on what control belongs to me. I begin to untwist…
I forgive. Untwist.
And Again. Untwist.
These choices are mine.
I reestablish some boundaries. Untwist.
They are healing and helpful for me, and allow me to move forward confidently.
I recognize that while I was not responsible for this particular destruction, I share responsibility in hurting other people and somewhere on the planet is someone extricating my black thread from their yarn. Untwist.
I forgive myself. Untwist
I begin finding love and worthiness in my own colour yarn. The re-twisting begins.
I was a victim.
I am not now.
It was not my choice back then.
It is mine my choice to make now.
I am learning to live my life as a process, and accept that which is mine to accept. I long to find beauty within the mess and the grace that is mine. As I untwist I replace the pain with the larger truth available to me. A new truth. One that sees me affected and changed – but all for the better.
I unequivocally believe it is available for me, and for you.